


You Learn Something New Every Time You're Human (Dean POV)

by nickelmd



Series: You Learn Something New Every Time You're Human [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 20:06:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1239169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelmd/pseuds/nickelmd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't figure out why Cas is acting weird. Cas can't figure out why everything can't go back to the way it was before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Learn Something New Every Time You're Human (Dean POV)

Cas has been acting weird. If Dean had to say when it started, he’d probably say sometime after Cas came back to the bunker re-angeled a few months ago. At first he had other things on his mind, like finding Sammy and expelling Gadreel, but when things calmed down he started worrying about Cas. 

There was the first night they were all back at the bunker. Sam had suggested they take the night off and watch movies. Dean and Cas took the couch and Sam the arm chair. Everything was perfect, almost. Dean has gotten pretty good at ignoring Cas’ lack of respect for personal space. Well, if he’s being honest he’s gotten used to it. And, if he’s being really honest, he’s started to expect it. So, when Cas sits down on the couch as far from Dean as possible, he notices, but he doesn’t get his feelings hurt, because that would be weird.

Then there’s the staring. Not that Cas staring at Dean is new, but whether Dean wants to admit it or not, it’s usually a mutual activity. But Cas has taken to watching Dean from a distance, scowling and looking away when Dean looks up, occasionally even stomping out of the room. Lately, when they discuss things, Cas’ eyes skitter over Dean or stay focused on a fix point over Dean’s shoulder. It’s not a problem, per se, but it feels different and weird, so Dean doesn’t like it.

When Sam was feeling well enough to hunt again, Cas came along on a routine haunting. Sam was searching the upstairs and Cas and Dean had taken the lower level. At one point, Dean reached out behind him, to catch Cas’ wrist, two fingers pressed at his pulse point and his thumb at the back of his wrist, telling him, silently, to wait. Cas froze so thoroughly that Dean stopped to look back. Cas’ eyes were closed and his breathing was even, but the way he held his body was tense. Dean looked down at Cas’ wrist held in his fingers. He should have let go. When he looked up Cas was watching him, “Dean…” 

“Dean, Cas, I got it, let’s go,” Sam called, and Dean could hear him thundering down the stairs. Sam slid to a halt in front of them. Dean winced as Sammy took in the scene in front of him, eyebrows quirking, Dean practically holding Cas’ hand and Cas’ face looking pained. Dean dropped his wrist, and the three of them hurried out of the house. So Cas didn’t like it when Dean touched him. It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like they’d ever been exactly touchy-feely. It wasn’t that kind of friendship. That was fine. 

Then there was the trip to the diner. Everything was great. Dean insisted Cas try a hot dog and Cas hadn’t hated it. “Hey, man. I think this is the first time we’ve ever done this,” Dean had said, laughing, when he realized.

Cas looked up at him, confused, “Dean, we’ve eaten together at restaurants many times.”

“No, dude. This,” Dean waved his arms to vaguely encompass the diner and Cas, “Gone out. You and me. For no reason. You know, just to hang out, relax. Feels kinda nice.”

“I agree,” Cas said solemnly enough to make Dean laugh again. 

When the waitress came back to ask if they wanted dessert, Dean couldn’t resist. “Two slices of apple pie,” Dean winked at Cas, nudging him under the table with his foot, “right, Cas?”

Cas’ eyes narrowed as he tried to interpret Dean’s plan, “Of course, Dean,” his eyes slid up to the waitress, “and two cups of coffee, please.”

When the waitress left, Dean leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “I figure this way I get two slices of pie, but no weird looks.”

“Why do you suppose I don’t want a slice?” Cas had asked, which made Dean feel weirdly bubbly inside.

“Dude, I’m not going to stand between a man and his pie, it’s just, I don’t know, I practically had to force you to eat that hotdog. I wasn’t gonna press my luck.”

When the pies arrived, Dean had devoured his, while Cas took tiny bites between frowns and kept up a steady commentary about the unfortunate nature of molecules. Finally, Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He leaned over until he was almost over Cas’ pie, snatched Cas’ fork from his hand and swiped a giant piece of his pie. He closed his eyes as he stuffed the fork into his mouth. 

“Now this,” Dean said, his mouth full of pie, conspicuously rolling the apples around before swallowing, “is how you enjoy an apple pie.” He opened his eyes, ready to wink and drop back in his seat, but Cas was closer than he expected. Cas eyes were locked on his, more black than blue, and he felt Cas grab his hand, maneuver it back to the pie, stab a chunk and bring it to his own mouth.

“That’s. My. Pie,” he said before he slipped his lips around the fork, pulling back slowly and dropping his hand from around Dean’s, leaving Dean with an empty fork and a pressing need to linger over his coffee before they left.

Afterwards, Cas had been grumpy and weird, but to be fair, Dean had felt pretty weird too, though, not, he suspected, for the same reasons. It wasn’t that Dean didn’t know, pretty definitively, that he was in love with Cas. The realization hadn’t come easily, but once it did, it made a perfect kind of sense. But if there is one thing Dean has always been good at, it’s loving someone more than they love him. It’s never been a burden before. It’s never been a burden with Cas before, but sometimes righteous anger looks a little like burning desire, and what’s Dean supposed to do with that?

All of it has culminated in Dean pacing the library, brooding, and wondering where the hell Sam and Cas are anyway. Just when he’s considering calling Sam...or Cas, he’s not sure which, he hears the door to the bunker open and he peers up to see who’s there. “Sam, where the hell have you been?” He shouts when he sees Sam coming down the stairs alone.

“What? Am I supposed to leave you sticky-notes when I leave now? Jesus, Dean. You and Cas are both acting like total freaks today.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Cas. What do you mean? Why...what does this have to do with Cas?” Dean manages.

Sam sighs, tossing his bag onto the table, “Nothing, ok? It was just weird. He found me this morning and insisted we go out to eat. Just the two of us. I assumed he had something, uh,” Sam’s eyes flicked up guiltily, “private he wanted to talk about, but he just alternated between trying to act normal and then fuming at me, like I had done something to offend him. Just weird.”

“Where is he now?” Dean asks, shooting for casual, but judging from Sam’s frown, missing by a mile.

“I don’t know. He said he had some things to take care of. Frankly, I was glad to get away from him for a while,” Sam pauses, cocking his head and taking a good look at Dean, “Dean...is there something I should know?”

“What? Of course there isn’t. I mean, why would you ask me. Cas is the one being weird, ask him.” Sam’s eyebrows shoot up. Shit.

“Uh, ok. Right. Cas is the one being weird. Um, I’m going to pick up a few things and go do some research at the library.” Sam gives Dean a last skeptical look and heads to his room shaking his head.

It's late when Cas finally returns to the bunker. Sam has gone to bed. Dean should be asleep, but he's still turning everything over in his mind, and his conclusions are not conducive to sleep. Dean had always kind of assumed that if he and Cas were ever able to spend time together without the threat of an looming disaster, things would be easier between them. Here he is getting what he wanted, but, as happy as Dean is having the two people he loves most under one roof, Cas doesn't seem happy.

Cas is his best friend, but to say the path of their friendship had been an easy one would be a joke. If Cas is ready to go, Dean can let him. He knows well enough Cas will be back, even if it's on a timetable that Dean hates. He sighs, dropping his head into his hands. Cas has probably only stayed this long for Dean. After everything that had happened with Sammy, he needed it. But things are better now. He wants it, goddamn it, he does, but he doesn't need it. He just needs to let Cas know that somehow.

It's 2am when he hears the heavy drag of the bunker door. He breathes an involuntary sigh of relief. Cas is safe and he came home. Dean stays in the kitchen. If Cas is looking for him he'll find him. If not, Dean will head to bed as soon as the bunker is quiet again. Cas might not sleep, but he usually does pass most of the night in the bedroom Dean and Sam had gotten ready for him.

Dean's head is still in his hands when he hears a quiet, “Hello, Dean.” He looks up, past being surprised at how adept Cas is at sneaking up on him. “Hey, Cas.”

“Dean, I,” Cas starts, and Dean wants to talk over him. Tell him he's already figured it out and it's ok, he's not gonna break, but something in the way Cas is standing so still, with his eyes so wide, makes Dean wait.

“I have something I need to talk to you about. Well, technically, it might be better if I talked to someone else about it, but I...you’re...you’re the one I talk to about, uh, human things…” Cas trails off, looking around the kitchen, before swinging his gaze back to Dean’s face and then focusing just slightly behind him again. 

Dean leans back in his chair, blowing out a breath and standing up, “Sounds serious, let’s go sit somewhere comfortable, at least.” He moves past Cas, slapping him on the shoulder as he goes. Cas follows wordlessly behind as Dean leads Cas to his bedroom. It’s selfish, Dean knows it, but he wants to have this conversation in his space, and he wants to be able to crash afterwards with as little work as possible. Dean enters his room and turns around. Cas is standing in the doorway, looking a little green around the gills. Now that he thinks about it, he’s not sure Cas has ever even been in his room. Dean scrubs his hand down his face before he continues, “Come on in, man, I’m not gonna bite, I’m just beat and I want to stretch out.” True to his word, Dean sits on the bed, back against the wall and legs stretched out in front of him. 

Cas finally steps inside, looking around and spotting an armchair in the corner. He drags the chair nearer to the bed and sits down awkwardly. Dean isn’t going to do this for him, but he can make it a little easier, “Cas, whatever you need to tell me, it’s ok. I’m not gonna get mad, or whatever you’re thinking that has you looking like you’re about to ask a girl to the prom for the first time.”

“It’s not...I need guidance...on something. It involves my time as a human, and my time after, and I suppose my time before as well. And it,” Cas looks up nervously, “involves emotions.” Dean’s eyebrows shoot up, and Cas continues, “I realize you don’t like to discuss your emotions, but I’m not...that is, this is about me. I hope that makes it an acceptable conversation topic.”

Dean smiles, feeling a little lighter. It sounds a lot less like Cas is trying to drop an *I’m leaving* bombshell. “Cas, come on. You think I’m gonna kick you out of my room because you’re sorting shit out? Especially since I left you alone to figure most of being human out by yourself. I think I owe you one. A big one. So, out with it, before I fall asleep.”

“Dean, do you ever look back at our first years together and wonder why I did the things I did?” Cas asks, surprising Dean again.

“Uh, well, I don’t know, I guess it kinda seemed like you did it because you’re not a dick like the rest of your family?”

Cas nods thoughtfully, “Yes. I guess that’s some of it, but rebelling, working with you and Sam to stop the apocalypse, always coming back to you, always protecting you. You, Dean, in particular, you. Did you ever wonder about that?”

Dean's mouth has gone dry. How's he supposed to answer that? Of course he's thought about it. He still lays awake thinking about it, sometimes. He wonders when Cas is going to realize Dean's not worth it, has never been worth it. Dean opts for the shortest, safest answer he can think of, “Sometimes.” He licks his lips and swallows nervously, waiting for Cas to continue.

“I didn't. I never did. I knew your cause was just. I believed I followed you for that reason-”

“Whoa, Cas, slow down,” Dean interrupts, “you didn't follow me anywhere. You were on our side, but that's-”

“Dean, your lack of faith in yourself doesn't translate to others’ lack of faith in you. We all followed you,” Cas holds his hand up as Dean sits up ready to protest again, “shhh, this isn't worth arguing about. Be still and accept my word that I followed you in your cause.” Reluctantly Dean leans back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

“I think I would have followed you in any case. Your side was the right one, but there were other things I felt when I was with you, things that I had never felt before. When I was with you, I felt, I, I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted *you* to think I was doing the right thing. When you were angry at me, it made me angry with myself and angry with you. When I was with you I felt...that is to say, I **felt**. I assumed it was a side effect of spending time with humanity, of being cut off from the host for a time. But mostly I didn't see any reason to think about it at all.”

Dean can't move. He watches Cas as he stands up and starts pacing Dean’s small room. He watches as Cas runs his hands through his hair in an absurdly human gesture that leaves his hair standing on end. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know why Cas is telling him this, or what he needs, or what he wants Dean to say.

“When I was human...things were different. I felt connected to my emotions in a way I hadn't previously experienced. My emotions felt important. It isn’t that I didn't know fear as an angel, it was just unimportant. But as a human, my fear *mattered* to me. I made decisions based, not on what was the logical choice, but based on my fears, my hopes, my...desires," at that last, Cas' eyes flick up nervously to Dean's. Dean doesn't know if that's an indication that he's supposed to interject at this point, but he's still frozen, his brain disconnected from his mouth, so he says nothing.

Cas looks away and continues, "Since I have regained some grace, I, I have tried to tell myself that those experiences are behind me. I have tried to tell myself that certain…realizations…I had were part of the confusion of my humanity and not a fundamental part of me. Dean, I have tried. I promise you, I have tried. I wouldn't burden you with this if I hadn't tried."

At this Cas looks so pained Dean winces himself, still unsure where Cas is going and unwilling to ask. "In short, I have tried to prove myself wrong again and again, but Dean, I'm not wrong. It has always been true, only, now that I've let myself feel it, and know it, I can't unfeel it. I can't unknow it. And I can't be here, with you, without telling you."

Dean latches onto what's familiar-Cas leaving. Of course he’s leaving. Dean knew it was coming and the blow of it is almost a relief. "Cas, it's ok. I knew you were going to want to leave eventually. You always do, right. More important matters and all that. Just spit it out Cas, I can take it." 

Cas nearly growls in frustration, "Why do you make everything so difficult." He stands and throws his hands in the air. Cas' anger unlocks Dean's frozen body. He's electric now, all fury and righteous indignation, Meeting Cas' anger with anger is something he understands and can work with. He stands quickly and presses into Cas' personal space.

"Look, asshole, I'm trying to make this easy for you. What part of 'It's OK' don't you understand. I know you can't stay here with me forever. I get it. It's-"

"Dean. Stop." Cas' voice is commanding, pulling all the fight out of him, stopping him short, robbing him of his protective anger. He feels traitorous tears, unshed behind his eyelids. "Please, let me finish," Dean nods unable to fight Cas any longer. Cas' hands, which had been clenched at his sides, make their way to Dean's face, holding him gently. "Dean, I love you. I think I have loved you since I first laid a hand on you, but it is more than the love I developed for humanity. When I say I love you, I mean that I am in love with you. When we are apart I ache, when we are together I ache more for wanting to touch you and not being allowed. I want to claim you as mine and be claimed in return. I know all of this now, but I don't know what that means for you. Tell me, Dean. Do you want me to go?"

Dean feels Cas' thumb brushing his cheekbone and realizes with terrible certainty that he's brushing away the tears that have fallen without his permission. He's never been good at this, and the first words out of his mouth prove it, "No, you stupid dick, I don't want you to go." Cas laughs and starts to lift his hands away from Dean's face. Dean's hands catch his and bring them back to his face. And because words are hard, he leans in, placing his lips at the very edge of Cas' mouth, and breathes out softly, "Please, stay."

**Author's Note:**

> This did not turn out at all how I planned, so I would really, really like someone else to write a short, funny story where Cas gets super grumpy realizing he's in love with Dean.


End file.
